Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
