there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
