Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
