Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
