did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize