Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
