I think I died a long time ago.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
