Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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