she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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