And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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