why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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