so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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