brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize