I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
