Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
