You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
