my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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