My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
