I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
