yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
