cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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