My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
