I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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