Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
