i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
