My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize