I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
