True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
