porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
