Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's just like the Real World with babies
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
