Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
