I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
