Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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