I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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