I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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