On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize