He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
