saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
