Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
