I hate your face
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
