Tell her she can't have a vagina
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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