there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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