bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
