i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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