My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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