We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
