i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
