my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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