I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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