I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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