Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
