Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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