im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
