mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
