How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
